Being needy is often toted as one of the worst things a person can be in a relationship, besides being a cheater, a liar or crazy.
I fell into this trap of thinking for a long time, which only made my own feelings of neediness worse. I’m going to tell you something very important, so pay attention. We are all needy.
Every single human in existence has needs, from the moment we are born to the moment we die; needs are an essential part of being alive.
The most simple needs include breathing, drinking, eating, sleeping and human contact. These are all basic human needs; without them being met we cease to exist.
When we are in relationship, we will have additional needs on top of basic human needs, which is just part of being a human in a relationship. Some needs we might have include feeling heard, loved, desired, respected, seen, met, cared for and considered. Intimacy, communication, honesty, monogamy or non-monogamy, affection, sex and need for space are also important. Everyone is going to have different needs to some extent, but there will always be needs.
I’m not sure how or when, but at some point in history having needs (in a relationship or otherwise) became something not really allowed and, ultimately, something shameful.
Shaming phrases such as “don’t be so needy” even came to be, and were spoken by people overwhelmed by other people having needs, possibly because they themselves had disconnected from their own needs. Something like not knowing how to say “no” can create all sorts of tension.
If you think you don't have needs, you are fooling yourself. They exist and they matter.
So, what happens when you have a need your partner is not able to meet? Different options come to mind.
With feelings of disappointment and other upset feelings, you figure out a way to meet that need without your partner (within the agreements of your relationship, hopefully) or maybe you are able to celebrate the fact that you had a need, expressed it and your partner was able to say no when they needed to.
My favourite is neither of these options. It is both, plus repair when needed. Of course, it will never be a perfect process, but what I love about incorporating these pieces is that everyone is able to have their authentic voice without feeling judged or shamed about what it is they need.
That is a beautiful way to show up in a relationship.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
