A few years ago, I was reading Mating in Captivity, a book written by Esther Perel. It is about how we tend to settle in, become comfortable and lose the spicy passion and desire that was alive and well in the early days of long-term relationships or marriage.
That tendency to become comfortable is one of the many lovely things about being in a long-term, committed relationship, including security, healing and comfort in the ways we give and receive love. It is also one of the things that can kill passion in long-term relationships.
When I was reading the book, I was at a place in my life where I was travelling a lot and not experiencing very fulfilling or secure relationships. So, in theory, the idea that comfort dampens desire and newness and distance reignites desire only half made sense to me.
I was not in a relationship where comfort or security could be cultivated. Distance was essential to our toleration of each other and also gave me a certain amount of anxiety. So, essentially, distance for the purpose of having more pleasure in a relationship felt like an oxymoron. There was already a lot of distance and it did not feel like it was bringing us any closer to more pleasure.
It was not until I found a secure relationship of my own that I began to truly understand what Perel was talking about. A while back, I packed a bag and went to house-sit for some friends for five days. A few days into my time away, I noticed how it felt like my partner and I were dating again and that desire of our earlier days was reawakening, without the anxiety of times past (the key being that we came from a secure place while reaching for a bit of space).
Even just a small time apart made a noticeable difference in our want for each other, and gave us the chance to miss each other day to day. That feeling of missing really touches on desire, because it makes us want what we do not have in front of us.
What is even more wonderful is when you are able to take some extra time for yourself, while feeling happy and secure about it, you will have so much more to give your relationship when you come back together.
It is also science. Our bodies explode with all the happy hormones that give us rose-coloured glasses in the beginning of every relationship. Then, once you hit the range of six to 18 months, hormones even out and excitement becomes comfort.
It is possible to fire up hormones and give your relationship a boost. Things like distance and trying new things together come into play; these things actually stimulate the rush of those happy hormones again.
So, you really can have your cake and eat it, too.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
