A little while ago, a friend of mine mentioned how he felt many of my articles felt geared a bit more toward my female audience. He mentioned that he would appreciate if I wrote something that spoke a bit more specifically to my male readers.
While I really try to be inclusive of all genders, it did make me consider the truth in what he was saying and the value in his request. It made me think about all the talk around toxic masculinity and the drive to shift it into something more positive.
Some people take that or mean it as “men are bad.” I am not one of those people and that is definitely not what I’m saying.
According to Wikipedia, the definition of toxic masculinity is: “Thus defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the "alpha male") and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger.”
In other words, men are not really “allowed” to be emotional creatures in the same way women are expected to be. Men are expected to “man up,” “put their big boy pants on” and handle their business “like a man,” without showing any emotions aside from anger, hunger or being horny, because anything more might mean they are less of a man, not capable or even weak.
That is what the media (and social conditioning) tells us, at least, and what has been passed down through generations of men who have been taught to be uncomfortable with and reject their emotions.
Although that does not mean the emotions actually disappear, they will eventually come to the surface somewhere, at some point. Violence, substance abuse, depression, suicide, emotional unavailability, self-degradation, domestic abuse and rape culture are all examples of this.
So, in light of this, it could very well feel that much of what I write is “not really for men,” since that’s part of the whole issue. In fact, everything I write is for everyone who is or intends to be in a relationship (whether romantically or otherwise). Reading about kissing is as relevant to men as it is to women. If you ever intend to kiss another human (and hope they enjoy it as much as you do), that is.
When us women are making asks of men in our lives to give us emotional support, show up and meet us, emotionally, we must understand how that can go against how they might have been conditioned since the moment their biological gender was revealed to their parents.
Imagine your whole life you were told to never fly an airplane because airplanes are only for other people. Then one day you woke up and someone said you now had to fly an airplane because they realized how silly it was that only other people were allowed to fly planes. Wouldn’t you hope there would be some instructions, guidance and even patience as you learned how to fly a plane? I sure would!
I’m not saying give up, accept it and let things stay the way they are; I’m saying toxic masculinity is a form of oppression and requires support and understanding in undoing and moving beyond.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
