Heart of the Matter: Making a sex date

I was having a conversation the other day about how being busy and stressed is so ingrained in our culture, and how when we submit to this state of mind, it can really have a detrimental effect on our intimate lives (whether we are in a relationship or not).

As a coach and as a client, I have heard folks say “sometimes you just have to schedule a sex date to make it happen.”

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It often rubs me the wrong way when I hear this, for two reasons:

1. If you schedule a sex date and then feel locked into having sex whether either of you want to or not, you might end up having obligatory sex rather than fun, pleasure-based sex. I don’t know about you, but obligatory sex does not feel sexy to me.

2. Lack of sex in your relationship might be more about unrepaired issues in the relationship and less about actual available time, making the whole “schedule a sex date” idea feel more like a bandage than a real solution. I am not a fan of skipping over my or my partner’s feelings, so this one is especially important.   

What does feel sexy to me is making time to connect with myself, making time to connect with my partner and making time to communicate about what is feeling really good and what is not (in the relationship as a whole, as well as in your sex life). Making space for connection must precede space for sex if you want the gourmet experience rather than the fast-food experience.

Honestly, I say connection must come before sex, however, what I really mean is that they are very much intertwined and one often flows into the other.

Having said all of that, do not get me wrong, there are definitely moments in all of our lives and relationships where everyone has a lot going on and scheduling time for each other is almost the only way you will get some quality time together. After all, we do schedule time for vacations, work and coffee dates.

That is real life and I fully support making time for each other in the best way you can. The key word in all of this is “moments.” If you find that “busy” becomes a long-term issue, then I would recommend referring back to the points above and reassessing your relationship to busy.

Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.

Copyright © Powell River Peak

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