In my last article, I talked about boundaries: how we all have them; how they are ours to maintain; and how sometimes there are “soft no” situations while other moments require a “hard no.”
I was thinking about how the “hard no” and “soft no” line of thought might bring up further questions: the biggest being consent and how important it is to understand and put into practice.
As a woman raising a teenage daughter in this culture, I am especially sensitive to the need for more awareness around consent. I want my daughter to believe consent is a normal and expected action, not a happy surprise if it happens. I want that for everyone’s daughters and sons, too.
Learning about consent can begin early in life, not just when our teenagers begin to date and we send them out the door with “be safe” or “no means no," messages.
Remember that time when your toddler did not want to give their grandmother a hug? Supporting consent and bodily autonomy means your toddler making the choice to say no to a hug is just fine.
I have seen the forced hug onto a upset child too many times, or heard the child receive reprimand for being rude for refusing physical contact. It makes me feel sad and angry to think a child will later believe their “no” does not matter or that saying no means they are being rude, or that choice is not even an option when someone wants something from them, whether physical or otherwise.
As I have grown and expanded my awareness and become more in touch with my own boundaries, I have noticed how non-consensual contact is ingrained into us.
I felt it years ago with my ex-mother-in-law and her seemingly mandatory hello and goodbye hugs. I felt it in the festival community where giving and receiving a long hug felt like the expected greeting for many. I felt it in some of my training when I was met with surprise the moment I spit out a surprised “no” when someone leaned in for a hug without checking with me first.
All of these experiences made me bristle due to the threat of not having a say over unwanted touch. Even with this knowledge and awareness, I often still felt the burn of shame for saying no in these scenarios, which is yet another effect of the forced affection we have come to accept.
These examples have mostly been about hugs, but this applies to any kind of exchange that includes another person. That means physical contact of any kind, photos meant just for you, sexually suggestive comments or even borrowing someone’s bike without asking.
Consent is essential when it is no longer just yourself you are dealing with, so take some time to reflect and self examine.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
