Recently, I posted a question on my Sensual Soul Relationship Coaching Facebook page, looking for some fresh perspective, questions or suggestions, something they would like to read about.
I received a handful of private messages with some excellent ideas and after considering the suggestions, the one I felt most compelled to write about, was the age old question of: “How do you keep your sex life alive after you have had kids?”
Being a parent myself, I am certain this is a question parents have been asking for as long as babies have been being born. My daughter is 17 and my stepdaughter is nine, so my partner and I are well beyond the days of diapers, co-sleeping and the need for constant attention. However, there is still a requirement for some creative “event planning” on certain days.
So, here is part one of two on keeping your sex life alive after you become a parent.
After having a baby, there are some real changes that happen for women that can have a real damper on our sex drive. Hormones dip for a few weeks after giving birth (this can be a longer period of time for those who breastfeed or suffer postpartum depression), which can cause loss of libido, vaginal dryness and pain during sex. And then there is the whole emotional mindset of going from “baby” back to “babe.”
Our entire world (including our body) has changed; if you are breastfeeding you may feel as though your breasts have become less of a source of pleasure and more of a functional fixture, and your body probably looks and feels a lot different than how it did before pregnancy. Considering all of these factors, feeling sexy and turned on could very well not be in your frame of focus at the moment. And as a woman who has been there, I say a resounding, fair enough!
It is quite important to also acknowledge our partner’s experience in this as well. There could be similar feelings of now having to share your sweetie’s attention, affection and body with another (little) person.
Your partner’s breasts have now become a functional asset and less about pleasure (they might have even become a no-touch zone because of pain or discomfort). If you have had sex, it might be feeling different (healing an episiotomy or tear, vaginal dryness or pain, engorged, painful or sensitive breasts, leaking milk) and perhaps you are feeling some disappointment or missing the erotic connection you once had with your sweetie.
She also may not be feeling very sexy during this postpartum stage, which of course contributes to the flow of erotic connection with each other. Again, I say, fair enough!
So, for those of you who have had kids while in some sort of relationship, where erotic connection was interrupted by a sick toddler in the night, a teenager coming home early, a vagina that is not as lubricated as it used to be or any of the issues mentioned above, you might be thinking “Yup! So, where do we go from here?”
Check back for part two, where I will share my suggestions to this answer.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
