In my last article, I got to talking about what it is like to get back into the groove once you have little ones in your life [“Heart of the Matter: How to get it on after the baby gets out (part one),” June 27]. I built it up, got you invested and then I left you hanging…for three whole weeks!
I am not positive, but I think there might be a term for that kind of experience, and when you are a parent, (especially a parent of a 0-6 year old) you are likely all too familiar with that unfortunate and oh so frustrating moment. Oh the joys of parenting.
Getting back to it, here are just a few of many suggestions that touch on some of these areas:
The more time you take to build connection with your partner and engage in foreplay (hint: massage is considered foreplay), the more she will relax and be more open to you (emotionally and physically).
Add a phthalate-free, water-based and preferably organic lubricant to your bedside table collection.
If you are not using latex condoms or silicone toys, I love using organic virgin coconut oil that has been gently warmed up. It does not dry out or get sticky and you can start by giving your partner a nice full body massage and then move into genital stimulation without needing to switch products or shower in-between. If you do this, be sure to test the temperature of the oil before it touches your sweetie’s body and never, ever add essential oils if it is ever going near genitals.
If there was ever a time for self-care and allowing others to care for you, this is that time. It is completely normal and understandable that you are not feeling like yourself right now.
To make the journey from baby back to babe, begin getting back in touch with your body and your pleasure. Do some things that are just for you: a-15 minute bubble bath; some self massage with your favourite lotion or body oil; indulge in some new panties or even a pair of pyjamas that feel good on your skin.
Take some time to rediscover and appreciate your body. Stand in front of the mirror and find five things you appreciate about yourself and say them out loud, often. It is also worth mentioning that is it important to have time not only as a family, but also as a couple and definitely by yourself.
When you’re dealing with low arousal or feeling disconnected from your partner, I often talk about the woodstove. You know how much easier it is to get a roaring fire going when you still have hot coals from the last fire, the same can be said for arousal.
Getting a fire going in a cold stove sounds like a lot of work, each and every time. Keep those coals smouldering with a pinch of the butt in passing, a kiss that lingers a little longer than usual or a sexy text in the middle of the day. Also, you cannot pour from an empty cup; self-care and self-love are directly connected to your arousal.
As I have mentioned before, there can be any number of different things going on for one or both parents, ranging from physical to emotional to practical obstacles. Remember to take some time and check in with each other from time to time as to what is working and what needs some discussion. This is a new phase of your lives, which means everything in the periphery must also adjust.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
