Back in June of last year, I decided to adopt this puppy from Thailand. She had been abandoned by her mother when she was really little and had just been living on the street until a rescue organization found her and brought her (and her sister) to its shelter.
As you can imagine, this sweet girl has her own set of challenges. She’s fearful and has a tendency to guard anything she deems a resource: food, toys, bed and me (her petting and feeding machine). So I’ve been doing all I can to socialize her and get her comfortable with the new world around her.
One of those things was consulting with my dog-knowing friend about some of her behaviours. One thing he told me was to be conscious of my own reaction and energy when I was with her; even slight body language can be reinforcing some of her behaviours.
So on our next walk through the trails, behind our home, I kept my friend’s advice in the back of mind. And, as we were walking, we happened upon some people and their dog.
I noticed how my initial urge was to stop and hold my dog back and let them pass by, even though she hadn’t reacted. And then I remembered that little voice in the back of my mind, “Just breathe and keep moving,” so I focused my breath into my belly, let go of any assumptions of what “might happen” and moved forward without incident.
Later on, as I was reflecting on this moment, I realized how much it was connected to the way we can react in our human-to-human relationships.
I often use the analogy of a wounded or vulnerable animal in sessions with my clients, when trying to help them understand why we go to anger when approached in our vulnerability. When we are in pain, we are vulnerable. And if we don’t feel safe in our vulnerability, we can lash out to create distance and stay safe.
So when talking about how my body language and energy affects the behaviour of my rescue pup, I remind myself that we are ultimately all animals, and that in conversation with our partners (or children, friends, family, co-workers or even your cashier), the way we show up is going to have an impact.
Whether you roll your eyes and think it goes unseen, cross your arms tightly while listening or speaking, or engage in an assumptive thought process while listening. (Hint: if you’re thinking about what to say next while someone is speaking, you aren’t really listening.) Another option is that you can show up with compassion for the courage it takes to allow our vulnerable selves to be seen, in all their sometimes-messy glory.
The concept of not assuming what will happen before it has even happened is a great way of avoiding the less-desirable outcome. After all, wherever your attention goes, is where your energy flows.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
