What is your relationship to the word “yes”? My relationship, I must admit, is a bit challenged at times. Every so often, I realize I have jumped down the rabbit hole of the unworthy state of mind and gotten myself hooked into the game of saying yes to everything and no to nothing. And since the rabbit hole is, of course, a mindless way of being, I don’t even realize that I am there caught up in my own self-imposed game.
When I look back on those moments and think about the thoughts that brought me there, I can see how I fall into this (mistaken) belief that saying yes to everything asked of me will be the equivalent to success and worthiness. If you can picture each request of me as a shovel full of dirt and each yes that comes out of my mouth as permission to dump that dirt down the rabbit hole, if I say yes to everyone and everything, I am going to have a mountain of dirt to get myself out of, proving to the world, once and for all, just how capable and worthy I truly am.
But here is the thing about the rabbit hole: when I am in it, I am not living in a way that is connected to pleasure. Sure, I am “handling” everything thrown at me, but is it actually serving me? It does not feel like pleasure and it certainly does not feel like success, so it probably is not really serving me.
The other thing about the rabbit hole is that it can have a harmful effect on our relationships. As I mentioned above, I often don’t realize that I am there because it is such a mindless pursuit (and a bad habit that I am working on breaking). Sometimes it is my partner who brings it to my attention. I remember this discussion, where I was saying “I am doing all these things, can you not see how much I am doing?” And he simply replied “Yes, that is exactly the point.” It made me pause and reflect on how much “stuff” I had filled my life with and how I had not left much room for the sweeter things (myself, my partner, our kids, for example).
Building more awareness for ourselves is not always an easy thing, but it really is worth it.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
