Being a woman in this culture of ours makes it really difficult to have needs and be a sexual being, especially when it comes to asking to have sexual (or other) needs met and experiencing pleasure.
It has been such a challenge for women to feel like we are not taking up too much space by reaching for what we really want, allowing ourselves to be a little bit selfish and having something that benefits our own worlds.
When that old story is playing in the back of your mind, it can be even harder to figure out what it is you even want in life, in sex, in a relationship and, definitely, in the way we are touched.
There is this story I used to tell myself; it sounded a lot like this: “If my partner really loved me, they would know what I need,” or, “It’s not as special if I have to ask for it.” I wish.
As it turns out, my partner is not psychic. Our needs vary all the time; what felt good yesterday might not work today. If we ask for what we want, in the moment, we have a much better chance of having our needs met.
So that means evicting that old story about taking up too much space, having too many needs, not being truly loved because your partner does not just know, or not ruining the specialness and being clear on what will bring you pleasure and prioritizing it.
By prioritizing your pleasure, you prioritize yourself. And guess what? You are so worth it.
What if we could reframe that old story from above into: “My partner loves me and won’t know what I need until I ask for exactly what I need,” and, “Asking for what I really want is vulnerable. When I share my vulnerability and it is received, that is special.”
Pleasure can be many things. It can be receiving touch in the exact way you want it, a mind-blowing orgasm, a deep massage to melt those stubborn knots, a perfectly orchestrated meal, a hot bubble bath or a good book.
Sometimes pleasure will even come from declining an offer from someone else and invoking your “no.” Sometimes it comes from doing something simply for the joy of seeing that fulfilled look on another person's face.
Pleasure is doing whatever you are doing because you want to and it feels really good to do it. Pleasure is not martyrdom, enduring, ambivalence or a grey zone.
What is one thing you would ask for that would be in service of your pleasure?
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
