Since another Valentine's Day passed a couple of weeks ago, it reminds me of how sometimes we can stay put in a relationship well after its expiry date, out of habit or fear.
We want so badly for the relationship to last and be good that somewhere in our mind we file those red flags away and make a decision to put a pretty mask on it and avoid them.
Unfortunately, this is no way to live in your truth, and it is definitely not going to make you (or your children, or your partner) happy.
A 50-year marriage is not an accomplishment of success on its own if no one is really happy while existing in it.
If you’re wondering if you are in a relationship that might be asleep, check out these signs of slumber:
Toxic communication
This looks like passive aggression, criticism, contempt, stonewalling, name-calling, defensiveness, blame, gas lighting, lying, shaming and an inability to hear each other.
Physical abuse
If you feel scared of your partner, because they’ve either threatened to hurt you (or your children, or your pets) or they have followed through in hurting you already, then it’s time to seriously consider your position in this relationship. This is the sign you have been waiting for.
One-sided efforts
Of course every single thing in your relationship cannot be 50/50, but if only one of you is putting in the lion's share of the emotional and physical labour to make the relationship and household stay together, then there is bound to be resentments on both sides and eventually an implosion will be unavoidable.
Growth is discouraged
Change can be scary, especially when you are stepping into unknown territory. It can bring up all sorts of fears about your partner growing in a different direction than you (fear of abandonment) or you having to face parts of yourself that have been hidden or unacknowledged for a long time. These are not irrational fears; they could very well happen. Moving past the wish of “why can’t things just stay the way they are” and getting to the other side of these scary things is a great place we call “personal growth." Eventually, one person will want to grow in one way or another. Do not hold yourself back from your bliss to make another person comfortable, and do not ask this of your partner as it is essentially asking them to put their own needs away. Discouraging growth in your relationship, or in your partner, is not an act of love.
The upside to this list is that when you recognize these behaviours in your relationship you are now in the process of waking up and having some options to choose from. As I see it, you now have three options: stay and accept it for what it is (don’t expect anything will change), stay and actively work on it (seek out a coach or therapist to help with this option) or leave (seek help, support or protection if you are scared for your safety).
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
