Aside from the question of how I found my job description, another popular question people ask me is, “What is the point of coming for relationship coaching when there isn’t really a problem, or I’m not in a relationship right now?”
I came up with the term “storm proofing” in a conversation I had with a past partner. That relationship bore some resemblance to the examples I share below, and it was at the point of reaching for help when the term was coined.
The literal definition of “storm proof” is “withstanding or giving protection against storms.” Notice how the definition is not about stopping the storms from happening, but to give protection and withstand.
I like to offer the term (and frame of mind) to my clients and friends and I really try to bring it into my own relationships. The idea behind storm proofing is that storms (also known as fights, disagreements, rupture, breaks in communication or arguments) in our relationships are inevitable.
Hoping for a relationship where storms never exist is similar to hoping to surf on a lake in December; it is not happening. And one day, a storm will roll up and you will want the tools to be able to withstand it. You can also call it resiliency.
I’m sure most of us have experienced those relationships where a rupture in connection happens and then another one follows before the last one can be cleared. Before you know it, you have a messy, compounded fracture in connection with no clear way out. It is exhausting and full of challenging feelings all around.
This is usually the point where the relationship ends, an affair happens or one or both people come to see me as a last-ditch effort.
There are also those relationships where one partner is into the work and the other is not. The dangerous thing about that is one person cannot do all of the work for the whole relationship. It is never just one person who is at fault for the state the relationship is in, so why would one person be expected to take full responsibility for the whole of it?
So, coming back to the initial question, “What’s the point?”
The point is if you want to be in a relationship, current or future, it is important that you understand how to storm proof and that you want to really do it.
We did not come out of the womb knowing how to play football or how to drive a car. Why would being in a relationship be any different?
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
