Having feelings about something and feeling like no one understands them has to be one of the most challenging things to deal with.
When no one understands or even tries to understand, we can be left feeling small, frustrated or insignificant. But isn't it the most magical thing when someone does understand?
In my sessions, it usually looks like a resounding and tearful "yes" when someone finally feels fully heard and seen. It can also have the effect of completely diffusing the big feelings enough that they can move on from it.
This reminds me of a while back when I became wrapped up in a disagreement around the treatment of animals. I was completely reeled me into the disagreement and was having a hard time letting the discussion go, probably because I didn't feel heard and felt sad for the animals involved.
Pets do not have the ability to speak up for themselves in the way we humans do, which, to me, means we need to advocate for their needs and speak up when something is not right.
After a certain point, I realized the discussion was not going anywhere and I had to leave it be. Even though I was still having all these feelings and not feeling heard, I stepped back. This was not the venue for having these needs met; it was not going to happen.
When my partner came home from work later that day, we were catching up on our days and I was sharing my experience (as well as my frustration). He turned to me with a straight face and told me he was going to breed super cats and put up a descriptive ad to sell them. He continued on with his serious face and salesman tone of voice and said, “Super cats with laser-eye ability, pretty sure the dad was half cougar; these are purebred raccoon killers.”
We were howling with laughter at the idea of raccoon-killing super cats. It was too ridiculous to comprehend, which was the winning piece for me. That sort of humour will not always be the ticket in these sorts of scenarios that are full of stuck feelings, but this time it was bang on.
Right in the middle of that fit of ridiculous belly laughter, I realized that not only did my partner see me, but he completely understood, enough that he knew what to say and how to say it. I was almost immediately diffused and felt so much lighter.
With what seemed to be, very little effort, I was able to have the experience of feeling truly met and fully validated.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
