The thing about trauma is that it can make you do things (in the moment) you believe are protecting you, but those things do not necessarily serve you anymore. At one time, those protective mechanisms did keep you safe and helped you survive through some awful moments.
Trauma can make you hold onto a dying relationship for far longer than you really want and can also make you hit the eject button before you truly want a relationship to end, all in the name of protection. When you have a trauma wound that has not healed, it can make clear-headed decisions feel impossible. It begs the question: “Is this me or my wound speaking?”
How incredibly heartbreaking to look back and realize those moments where we were driven to an action or conclusion out of fear. Whether you are running away or hanging on with all your might, the driver is often fear (when we’re talking about trauma wounds, at least); fear that you’ll be consumed or fear that you’ll be abandoned and left behind.
The thing that happens when a traumatic experience infiltrates your world is that it leaves a scar on your emotional landscape, and reminds you of the pain and terror of that hijacked moment, each and every time you get in the mere vicinity of anything that has a remote resemblance to that awful moment. A traumatized person would do almost anything to avoid feeling that pain ever again, and when I say anything, I really mean it.
So, how do you answer the question: “Is this me or my wound speaking?” And how do you handle it?
The first thing I always say is, when you are triggered, wait until you are calm again to make any major life-impacting decisions. This means: Do not quit your job, do not end your relationship and do not do anything to harm yourself or another person. Get some support and wait.
The next thing I would offer is to check in with your breath. Is it stuck in your throat? Can you slow down and bring it down into your belly?
Reconnecting to your breath will help calm your nervous system, which will help you to feel grounded, calm and clear again. When your nervous system becomes activated, it cannot tell the difference between being chased by a woolly mammoth or fear that you are about to be abandoned, so either way you will have the urge to either run away, freeze or fight (fighting can also look like chasing).
When this activation happens, depending on your nervous system response, it can be helpful to take a break and leave the situation or reach out to a trusted friend for support or to vent your feelings.
Once you feel like you are back in your body, calmer and of clearer mind, you can reassess the situation and make choices from a more grounded place, rather than out of reaction. In the moment, this can feel like an impossible task, but if you can recognize it for what it is and ask for support, eventually it will get a bit easier and less overwhelming.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
