Last month I wrote about romance and passion as two ways to enjoy showing up in a relationship. Some feedback I received, half jokingly, from some of the single people in my life, was about how they needed to romance themselves because they have no one in their lives to receive romance from.
This made me think about being single and how it can feel like romance and passion do not exist unless we are coupled. I cannot accept that.
First of all, just because a person happens to be single does not mean they cannot experience the pleasures being in relationship can bring.
Regularly taking myself on dates was one of my favourite things to do when I was single. I would spend some time picking fresh flowers for a beautiful bouquet, pick up dinner (and dessert!) from my favourite restaurant, grab a movie, turn off my phone and really relish the time I was spending solo. I even found myself flirting with people with eye contact and smiles as I walked home along Commercial Drive in Vancouver.
I found pleasure, happiness and comfort in exquisite self-love, which is to say, dating myself was a powerful and fulfilling experience; it was illuminating. I finally realized not only what it meant to feel content with myself, but how to be in enjoyment.
So, what do you do when you are single? How do you tap into the sweetness of a relationship when not in a relationship?
Spoil yourself
For some, a solo date night might sound perfect, and for others it might not be their thing. Find something that works. The idea is to treat yourself the way you want to feel, not because you “should,” but because you want to. Personally, I love to feel special, so tapping into flirty energy and treating myself to all my favourite things really makes me feel special.
Find pleasure in your life
If pleasure is hard to find, try something new and stop doing things that do not feel good, or at least try doing fewer of the things you “should” do. Pleasure is about being connected to enjoyment, which can mean slowing down and taking the whole experience in, or saying “no” a bit more often. Something as simple as eating dinner can be a fully pleasurable (and even sensual) experience if time is taken to appreciate the details of the meal: aroma, visual presentation, flavours and textures.
Get your blood pumping
Go for a hike, dancing or for a bike ride. Trying something new can have a positive effect due to happy-making endorphins flooding your system. This is a great way to bring some excitement and pleasure back into your life.
So, coming back to those people in my life who inspired me, you can definitely romance yourself. In fact, not only are you capable, I hope you will join me in celebrating it.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
