Better health is a perpetual pursuit. In different stages and situations, we need different tools and support, however, happiness is the common, universal goal.
For a lot of us happiness is elusive and always just past the tips of our extended fingers. Continuing on through the hills and valleys and highs and lows of life, our needs and desires sometimes overlap with others.
Firm and clear boundaries, I was eventually informed, are an essential part of finding and sustaining a balanced place with mental health. What are positive boundaries and why are they so central to health and happiness?
The most stripped to the bone, understandable definition of healthy boundaries I stumbled across while self-informing on the topic is: Personal boundaries are differentiating what we want from what others want from us.
For anyone who has reinforced passive behaviour while navigating life, it’s almost impossible, in real time, to suddenly change the complicated social dynamics in different parts of our life. To suddenly assert our needs with conviction is seen as out of character and is often met with a discouraging response. People often respond to change with discomfort or even hostility. Feathers are ruffled when the pecking order of life is, even slightly, challenged.
When strongly assertive or aggressive individuals circle in and out of our life there is no chance for a healthy, fair exchange to happen. Resentment and feelings of life’s inherent unfairness swirl around to create negative outlooks when vulnerable people might turn to drugs or alcohol. A minnow doesn’t and can’t suddenly turn around and challenge the pursuing shark.
People stuck in dangerously passive, self-deprecating patterns can feel like treading water in the middle of a frenzy of sharks. You don’t really get anywhere and it’s not a friendly place to be, especially if you outwardly display unease or fear.
We can change the odds and even the situation by knowing what we want and externally expressing it in a self-affirming way. Then, clear boundaries are asserted and resentment and other destructive feelings can be avoided. With knowledge and practice, we can learn to behave differently and no longer feel low in the social food chain of life.
There must be a middle, fair place where we are neither habitually pleasing others, as a passive person does, or leaning toward narcissism and totally unconcerned with the needs of others as aggressive people might display.
American psychologist and proponent of Buddhism Tara Brach mentions a technique called The Sacred Pause, which involves mindfully stepping away from frantic moments when our boundaries blur and coping strategies fall apart and fail.
Momentarily pausing the frenetic pace of thoughts around life situations and reasserting boundaries with clarity and concision could be the moment we move to a healthier spot on the social food chain.
Robert Skender is a Powell River freelance writer and health commentator.
