A lot of us, myself included, are in or have been in a long-term negative relationship that we accept and allow to happen daily; a psychologically damaging and, possibly, physically abusive relationship that we inadvertently continue without much reflection.
The effects of this arrangement can range from limiting potential happiness to being a cause of self-destructive, deadly behaviour like substance abuse.
Why do we allow such a mean-spirited person to influence our life in such a negative way?
It is because the relationship is with our “self” and it is, and has been since we were children, centred around the internal dialogue we have daily.
Self talk is the conversation we have with ourselves, often unknowingly, that influences how we feel and what we do.
For people with anxiety or depression, self talk is the obnoxious, judgemental little critic who squats in our conscious, and unconscious, mind and annoyingly chatters away.
Negative self talk can tell us to sit when we want to stand, walk when we want to run and loudly states we are useless when we actually have a lot to give.
As the brain and mind become more mappable, neuroscience suggests we have between 50,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The brain is like a crowded city during rush hour, with neon signs flashing and traffic moving in all directions. It is easy to see how negativity can sneak in and start to take over while we are distracted.
At the most basic level, one way to silence the negative self talk critic is knowing we are not our thoughts; they don’t define who we are. Thoughts and feelings come and go but we can choose to react to them or not. It is possible to watch them drift by, like cotton-ball-textured clouds in the blue sky, if we can slow down the traffic in our mind a little.
Of course, behavioural science theories about putting space between being excited or stimulated and our reaction to it seems impossible to do in real time. It is much easier said than done.
Buddhist monks spend a lifetime meditating, trying to accomplish a quiet state where the mind is in full control of thoughts and feelings. With that said, being uncritical with your progress in mindfulness can also help turn the negative inner critic into a positive force.
A simple, but very effective exercise to lessen bad self talk is to try to talk to yourself with the same language and tone as you would talk to a good friend. A good friend always has a supportive smile and helpful quote when you're feeling uncertain or low. The language of the inner, demeaning critic is very different than a friend’s well chosen words.
Choosing empowering words and being a friend to yourself will quiet the critic and influence, in a positive way, a healthier internal, and external, conversation and life.
Robert Skender is a Powell River freelance writer and health commentator.
