Editor:
In a recent survey, 99.9 per cent of beach fires said they actually preferred to be set below the low tide line and that they looked forward to being fully doused with ocean water prior to being abandoned by their human creators. They find it refreshing.
Unsurprisingly, 100 per cent of the beach fires further confirmed that they did not care whether they had been started by hardened criminals, good kids, inebriated persons, yoginis, tourists or locals; the fires continue to believe they have the right to spread uncontrollably and without warning regardless of who lit them.
Almost all of the fires acknowledged that, while size does matter, they can derive complete satisfaction within the 0.5 metre dimensions established by law, and that if you give them too much fuel they might behave unpredictably. Sadly, fire remains addicted to creating more fire, and there seems to be no cure save for dousing it.
Four out of five firefighters stated that people don’t need a degree in brain surgery or rocket science in order to be able to grasp the physics and chemical principles behind putting out a beach fire. The other 20 per cent of firefighters admitted, nonetheless, if we could allow only brain surgeons to make beach fires, we’d all be better off.
In a recent publication, world economists unanimously claimed that despite high interest rates, worker shortages, pandemics, and resource constraints, the cost of properly dousing a beach fire has not changed in over 5,000 years! Thus, there has never been a better time in recorded human history than today to properly put out your beach fire.
Alan Donenfeld, Gibsons
